Without Them, I Won't Be Here..
I am luckier than some people as I had the chance of knowing all my grandparents and a great grandmother. Both Wans and Kis and Arwah Nyang. I remember them being frequent visitors to our house when I was growing up, and how I just loved to follow them back to either Besut or Kemaman. And luckily, we have tonnes of snapshots of our times together.
My first encounter with death was to lose Ki Ali at a young age. I believe I was 5 at the time. I remembered being at the Jerteh Hospital, trying to catch a glimpse of him through the window as kids were not allowed in. After jumping up and down for a bout ½ hour, I gave up and sat down in front of the door. That was when Mama came out and told us Ki has passed. I remember his funeral as clear as day. And it was - a clear day, except the black clouds of sadness hovering above the family and friends.
Nyang followed two years after. I still have a picture of us - her carrying me as a baby. Most people agreed that I took my features from her. *From the toothless grin to my button nose*
Since Ki and Nyang's passing were during my tender years, I can't really recall how I felt exactly at those times. But when Wan Che Yoh suffered a stroke during my A Levels, I became like a zombie. I was in KL at the time, but I couldn't leave due to my Stats paper the next day. I went through the week as if nothing has happened and right after my last paper ended, I cried my eyes out. I felt horrible for not being able to see her one last time, even if it was just before they buried her. I promised that the next time I were to lose either Ki Midong or Wan Nab, I would be around no matter what.
Funny though how the promise turned out. Although I made it a point to visit Ki as often as I could (and even forcing Aboh and Mama to bring him to KT to leave with us), I had to leave for my studies a couple of months after. My last meeting with Ki was a few days before I left, when dearest Ki slipped a tener into my hands. Duit beli cukelat, he said before both of us broke into tears. That RM10 means more than anything else in the world at the time. I told myself next time I would be me who would put money in his hands, and I told him exactly that. He gave me a very sad smile. Somehow at that moment he knew it would probably be the last time he'll get to see me.
Ki fell ill right after that, one of the reasons being that he missed Wan too much. Hearing his condition, I booked my ticket to come back for Christmas to spend Raya with him. But Allah loved him more, he joined Wan even before Ramadhan. Again, I couldn't see the face of a person who loved me without boundaries for the last time. I regretted I couldn't have done more for him during that short moment I had before I left. I was angry with myself for not keeping the promise I made to myself.
That is why I get panic everytime Wan Nab gets sick. She's the only one left..my only grandparent. I would take the next flight home or drive those long hours just to make sure she's ok. I don't want to be away again should anything happen. And last Monday, she was admitted to the hospital for a thorough check-up due to prolonged headaches. She had to go through an MRI scan and a couple of other tests. The doctor found out that she has suffered a mild stroke before (which none of us realised!). This resulted in a blockage in one of her blood veins, which caused the headaches. When I first heard the doctor, I sat in silence. But he assured me with medication, they can thin her blood as to not block her veins. I am still scared, but this time around I told myself instead of regretting anything I would spend as much time with her. I spent the past 2 nights camping in her ward. We talked about everything under the sun until she fell asleep. I would only leave her to go to work, after making sure someone else takes over the day shift.
My first encounter with death was to lose Ki Ali at a young age. I believe I was 5 at the time. I remembered being at the Jerteh Hospital, trying to catch a glimpse of him through the window as kids were not allowed in. After jumping up and down for a bout ½ hour, I gave up and sat down in front of the door. That was when Mama came out and told us Ki has passed. I remember his funeral as clear as day. And it was - a clear day, except the black clouds of sadness hovering above the family and friends.
Nyang followed two years after. I still have a picture of us - her carrying me as a baby. Most people agreed that I took my features from her. *From the toothless grin to my button nose*
Since Ki and Nyang's passing were during my tender years, I can't really recall how I felt exactly at those times. But when Wan Che Yoh suffered a stroke during my A Levels, I became like a zombie. I was in KL at the time, but I couldn't leave due to my Stats paper the next day. I went through the week as if nothing has happened and right after my last paper ended, I cried my eyes out. I felt horrible for not being able to see her one last time, even if it was just before they buried her. I promised that the next time I were to lose either Ki Midong or Wan Nab, I would be around no matter what.
Funny though how the promise turned out. Although I made it a point to visit Ki as often as I could (and even forcing Aboh and Mama to bring him to KT to leave with us), I had to leave for my studies a couple of months after. My last meeting with Ki was a few days before I left, when dearest Ki slipped a tener into my hands. Duit beli cukelat, he said before both of us broke into tears. That RM10 means more than anything else in the world at the time. I told myself next time I would be me who would put money in his hands, and I told him exactly that. He gave me a very sad smile. Somehow at that moment he knew it would probably be the last time he'll get to see me.
Ki fell ill right after that, one of the reasons being that he missed Wan too much. Hearing his condition, I booked my ticket to come back for Christmas to spend Raya with him. But Allah loved him more, he joined Wan even before Ramadhan. Again, I couldn't see the face of a person who loved me without boundaries for the last time. I regretted I couldn't have done more for him during that short moment I had before I left. I was angry with myself for not keeping the promise I made to myself.
That is why I get panic everytime Wan Nab gets sick. She's the only one left..my only grandparent. I would take the next flight home or drive those long hours just to make sure she's ok. I don't want to be away again should anything happen. And last Monday, she was admitted to the hospital for a thorough check-up due to prolonged headaches. She had to go through an MRI scan and a couple of other tests. The doctor found out that she has suffered a mild stroke before (which none of us realised!). This resulted in a blockage in one of her blood veins, which caused the headaches. When I first heard the doctor, I sat in silence. But he assured me with medication, they can thin her blood as to not block her veins. I am still scared, but this time around I told myself instead of regretting anything I would spend as much time with her. I spent the past 2 nights camping in her ward. We talked about everything under the sun until she fell asleep. I would only leave her to go to work, after making sure someone else takes over the day shift.
I am happy to report that she has been discharged this afternoon. She would be here in KL for a while, at least until she is stronger to travel. And until the day she leaves, I will be around her as often as I could.
posted by lion3ss | 5:06 PM
2 Comments:
It's not easy to adjust back to our routines after losing someone who is dear to us. reading your entry today makes me sad.
Take care.
Thanks RG.
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