Random Thoughts of a Lioness: October 2004

How well do you know a person?

I had a long conversation with an old friend yesterday. We were talking about raya plans and work (yes, we are that pathetic!) when the topic of a mutual friend came out.

Spide, Awang and I used to hang out a lot during our single days - lunch, dinner, movies and the occasional weekend plans. We talk about our hopes and dreams, and what we imagine to do should we have the chance (and the guts!) to leave our jobs. Spide regarded Awang and I his two best buddies. However, our time became less and less due to our work and when two of us got hitched, it became non existent.

Spide left his company earlier this year. While one of the more apparent reason was due to the poor rating his boss gave him, he also decided to quit because he had a business on the side. He was upset with how he was treated during the performance rating, citing unfairness and all. He was transferred out soon after, but he was still up to his old tricks - MIA during office hours, taking last minute leaves and just couldn't care less about his work. Sad, since he is smart and all. When the management started to sniff his behaviour, he decided to leave altogether. Well, for someone who told me (and some other people) that he had a pharmaceutical supply company I guess he would be better off. Good for him to be able to live his dream. He was already bored of work anyway. After he quit, I didn't hear anything from him ever again.

Well, back to the future - Awang and I was talking about him when he asked me,

What was it again he told you he was doing?

Told him about the supply company. He sighed. Apparently, Spide told him a different story. And the best thing was, he received a call from Spide a couple of weeks back. Being the curious cat he is, he called the number back to find out it was a bank. Spide working in a bank? He asked, but Spide steered away from the topic. Awang and I also talked on other things, and accidentally found out more and more things that are so different from that Spide we knew.

Awang is still trying to get to the bottom of this. I don't give a hoot actually, but it does give me a food for thought. No matter how well you think you know a person, you might not know the real him or her at all. And the thing is, it goes for everyone - even myself.

Who let the dogs out?

I am back! It was a well deserved break, and I came back feeling slightly refreshed. Until I stepped back into the office *yuck*. Then I realised, nothing has changed. Time just paused for a while in good ol' Phnom Penh, but nothing else has changed, especially at the workfront. The good thing is, Cruella has been out of my way these few months. But on the other hand, my new boss aka Crazy Woman is as terrible. No wonder they told me I was 'keluar mulut harimau, masuk mulut buaya'. The two seniors in my unit have started looking for other opportunities, so she is even more upset. And mind you, it is not a pretty sight when she's upset..*enters Hulk OST*

Accompanied the larger-than-life-mother-to-be sis-in-law to look for her Horlicks tablets and lip balm last night. *When I say larger-than-life, I mean it literally. She is sooo huge nowadays!* We ended up in the Sleep Shop looking at beds instead. The bed I wanted was no longer on sale, but Jiji's Safe n Sound mattress was. Spent a good half hour looking at everything on the shelf (with non-stop explanation by the sales assistant) only to tell the guy we'll be back some other time. Poor guy. Oh, and a quick stop at Mothercare. Of course, the accountant in Jiji had her calculating everything - the exchange rate, the postal fare (if she asks Ain to get stuff in London), the upcoming sale, aaand if she gets things as presents later. She's calculative like that. But let her loose when she is in her mood to shop, she'll come back with a car load of baby things. Trust me, we saw it last weekend. Chu is still staring in disbelieve at his credit card bill until now! *grin*

Slept over at aunt's to spend some time with Wan. She is getting better, at least her headaches are getting milder. She's moving to another aunt's place today, which is closer to our place. Maybe I could trick her into spending next weekend at my place instead. Hmmm.. *devising plan*. Found out she'll be spending raya in KL. Guess there'll be no cousins in KT this year then. With Aefy all the way in Riyadh and NKN coming back only on the 4th day, it'll be a quiet Aidilfitri.

Err..wait, it'll be Mama's last open house before she retires, so maybe not. *Note to self: Get old baju kurungs handy to adopt role as helper cum dishwasher.*

On the homefront, BW is back today *sigh*. Can't wait for the weekend to be home with the boys. Stories on getaway might follow soon. Whenever Crazy Woman is not freaking out and barking last minute orders..

Impromptu plans are always the best..

All the talk about people just packing up and go.

The endless office politics and steady stream of assignments.

The roller coaster emotions and overwhelming feelings on stuff.

And because life here is just too much to bear right now.

Am taking the first flight out tomorrow and have a quiet getaway..

*with hopes of relaxation, sightseeing and if lucky - shopping*

..even if it is just for the weekend.

He's Gonna Be Apart Of It...New York.. New Yoorrk!

Ace is leaving for Manhattan this morning for a better job opportunity. After getting his qualification last year, he has been looking for new challenges but little did he expect that he'll be leaving the comfort of London or Malaysia. With Sipoh taking the 'bumming' way out and Ace taking up this offer instead of a higher paid one in Canary Wharf, I thought of whether I would opt to do the same if ever the opportunity comes.

On our drive back last night I asked Ace how he feels to start fresh in a new place. No doubt he is a bit nervous and excited, but he feels kinda guilty to leave his sister during her final year in England. But he does look forward to begin a new adventure. In fact, he is already thinking of the places where he can get his supply of mutton (for his green curry)! Good for him. Since we've been hanging out almost everyday the past one week, it'll be a bit funny not to have him around for supper after this. *Err...well, at least until summer!*

Buster and I have had this conversation ever since we were studying. The possibility of just uprooting and start a new life somewhere else. He had a couple of chances before, but decided to come home and look after his parents. And lately, he is toying with the idea of an attachment in the States for a couple of years, with the consent of his employee of course. It might mean either we'll end up being a 'quarterly' couple, or me leaving my job, unless by miracle my company would find me a placement there too. (Fat chance, lion3ss! *rolls eyes*) I dunno if he's serious or not, though. Might just be one of those sudden funny ideas.

But then again, with how sucky my work is nowadays.. it doesn't sound half as bad! *grin*

On another note: Saw Mr Ely at the the airport last Sunday. After her rant last week, Ely just found out she's expecting, hence his last minute flight back to KL. Congratulations!

Saying goodbye is never an easy thing..

Not so long ago, I dedicated a whole entry to my beloved Sporty. Towards the end of that particular entry, there was a scenario that I can't imagine will ever happen. Unfortunately, I am now faced with the grief of losing the best feline friend I have ever had.

I arrived home last weekend running to the kitchen calling his name. Not finding him at his usual spot doesn't surprise me much as loves hunting the creepy crawlies at night. But the look on Mama's face told me something I didn't want to hear.

"He has not been home for two weeks, Adik. We looked everywhere, but no one seems to see him. We didn't know how to tell you."

Sporty's gone? That can't be true. Yes, he has been playing the disappearing act a couple of times last month - going away for a day or two, only to come home when he is hungry. But to be away for fourteen days? Called Wan and she told me the last time she saw him was a few days before she came to KL. He called out to her about 5 a.m. to open the doors (which was normal for him to do!). Unfortunately, Wan was having her migraine at the time and didn't get up. And that was the last time anyone heard Sporty. Wan blames herself for not letting him in. Mama feels bad 'cos she was away for a conference when he went missing. I refuse to believe he is gone, and told Mama that night that Sporty will never fail to see me whenever I come back for the past 6 years. How could a cat, who doesn't even venture out of our gates leave us just like that?!

But throughout the weekend, a Siamese kitten whom Sporty befriended a couple months ago keeps appearing in front of our door. It was as if she wanted to tell Mama something. She keeps looking directly into her eyes and urged Mama to follow her. Unfortunately, we don't understand cat talk and we always lose her on the way to where she was taking us. Yesterday afternoon, when I was washing Sporty's bowl, she came again. I fed her Sporty's Friskies, and pleaded to her to tell us where Sporty was. *I know, I know I sound crazy, but I didn't have any choice!* She just ate and sat exactly how and where Sporty sits when he was hunting birds. I shut the door thinking nothing of it. I was still in denial.

During our buka puasa, we suddenly hear a male cat's meow from the roof - Sporty's favourite hide-out. I literally ran outside and saw a white cat jumping down. I was in tears calling his name, only to find out it was the tom cat that has been vying Sporty's territory for ages. It was then that I suddenly realise Sporty may never come back. We will never know whether he is dead or alive, but one thing for sure - he is gone. The realisation had me in terrible sobs - all the way to the airport. And no, this entry doesn't have a happy ending. When we called Aboh this morning, Sporty is still gone.

Sporty, thanks for brightening our lives for the past 6 years. Thanks for keeping Wan cheerful with your antics and for converting Aboh to like cats. Thank you for keeping the bed warm while I was away all these years, and most of all, thank you being my best friend when no one else understands. I hope we have provided you well. I love you my dear white fluffy friend, and there shall be no other who can take your place in this heart of mine.

Selamat Berpuasa..

My favourite time of the year is back again. No matter where I am, fasting month is always the month I look forward too. The nightly tarawikh (and its moreh!), family breaking fast together, and just the wonderful feeling of being able to fast yet again during the blessed month. *Aaand to those wonderful goodies they sell in Pasar Ramadhan..nyum!*

So, Ramadhan Al Mubarak to all and may this wonderful month brings us closer to Allah.

Reflections

Yesterday's post has got me singing this the whole day long:

Look at me
You may think you see who I really am
But you'll never know me
Ev'ry day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be free to fly
That burns with a need to know the reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else
For all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

She's Leaving On A Jet Plane..

What gives people the courage to just pack up and leave? To follow their heart and consider the consequences later? To leave their family and friends behind to have some time to reflect?

I have to admit, I don't think I'd ever have the guts. I mean, leaving the country to pursue your studies, or a better job opportunity is different. You know where you're going, and you know what's waiting for you. But to just walk away from everything is such a scary thought.

However, that was exactly what Sipoh did. I found out she was leaving the company a month ago, and her last day was about 2 weeks ago. So last Saturday, the tennis gang took her out for a farewell dinner, although according to TZ it is more of 'hooray-you-are-leaving-*insert company's name*' celebration. Sipoh said she needed a new outlook in her career, probably do her MBA and most importantly.. to have a re-look at her life. We knew she was planning to travel - visit her gramps in Switzerland and her bf in the States, and she jokingly said something about finding some mountains somewhere to have a reflection! During dinner she didn't say much, and right after the band started, it was too noisy for anyone to talk.

So imagine the surprise we got when she told Oys the next day that she was leaving for good. Sipoh has sold off her car and newly acquired house, and decided to buy a one way ticket to the US of A. So guess, she has been planning for quite a while. She has waited for her mom to come back from holidays to break the news to her, and stayed the past two weeks with her. No, she doesn't have any plans - no jobs, no study plans, no nothing. Except a boyfriend who's waiting for her there (whom of course, one of the reasons she's going to the States). Eric after all, loves her 'very strong'. *winks to Sipoh*

We met on Monday to bid farewell, and she was filled with a mixture of emotions - excitement, anxiousness and sadness. That night, she texted us to wish her well in her conquest to find herself, and that's exactly what I did. We'll lose one of the most active tennis gang, but I wish she'll not only find, but conquer her 'mountain'.

My dear, do keep in touch and I wish you all the best & all the happiness in the world. And yes Sipoh, we too hope you don't lose your 'brave'..*ROTF*

I need food!

We've moving office again..so here I am packing. Not that I have much to pack anyway *rolls eyes*. But the idea of packing after work on weekdays doesn't really appeal to me.

Gosh, my tummy just growled. Thought Mak Ngah's yummy curry and caramel last night would tie me over till lunch. Then again, I didn't get my Nestum this morning. Talking of food *I can hear my stomach singing again!*, I can't wait for our monthly trip back to Terengganu this weekend. And it being the fasting month, it'll be like a food festival everyday!

Maybe I should give this list to Mama prior to going back..hehehe.

Ayam golek
Ketupat pulut garing - to eat with sambal daging
Ikan keli bakor
Koleh lemok
Kuih tok haji serbang
Nasi dagang Chabang Tiga
Krepok lekor
Lompat tikam
Beka ubi
Laksam
Nasi kuning Bukit Kechik
Ketupat sotong
Roti paung Durian Burung

..and the list goes on. Oh, how can I ever forget the fabulous nasi ayam in Pulau Kambing? We call it Nasi Ayam Wong..and we've been a regular customer since Abang was three. Uncle Wong has long passed, but the shop now is run by his son (whom we also call Wong, hehe). It is a very small kopitiam, but the food is really good (and dirt cheap). Their chicken chop and steak are also to die for *lion3ss wipes drool off the desk*.

There used to be a bakery in Gong Kapas owned by an elderly couple which sells heavenly buns. This was waaay before Roti Boy was invented. These small buns, which has a small star shape on top, is topped with butter and sugar. We call them roti bintang (star buns) *Yes, yes, how original!* However, after the husband died the aunty moved to outside KT to stay with her son and sold the shop. I don't really remember who took over, but the next thing I knew was that the shop became a fridge workshop.

All this talk about food is making me famished. Guess I better go back to packing and leave earlier for lunch.

The weekend is here again, but why am I not jumping with joy?

The week flew by so fast! What with the 2-day workshop, the Away Day, running to and fro the hospitals and going back and forth the different floors everyday - I am surprised I am still not stick thin. And looking at the condition of my 98.7% completed paradise, the weekend would probably be spent cleaning and unpacking *big sigh*. Plus still running to the hospital - Nan Jatt is admitted too. And the to-do-list for the weekend is just so long! Yes, I am being whiny, but aren't weekend supposed to be fun?

It has been a while since I braved myself to have lunch on a Friday. Lately, I've been packing food and eat lunch with a good book. Today however, I finally had that forever postponed lunch with a couple of friends from high school. Noon was in a hurry to leave as always, but not before passing her kuih raya sample for us to have. We tried out the food on the rocks thingy, and surprisingly, it is quite good. *The tomyam noodle is recommended* In between munching our food and reminiscing the past, serious matters also crept up.

Ely was expressing her worry with the impending raya. Being married for two years, the family has been bugging them for babies. Poor Ely is running out of explanation (and tears of frustration) to offer insensitive lots who make stupid assumptions on why they haven't started a family. While some has it easy, other people aren't that lucky. Look at Jiji, she spent 4 years trying before being blessed.

And talking about lucky people, we also met up with Mamat and Sue. Their bundle of joy, Rysha was born 11 months after the marriage. Oooh, she is soo adorable! *We just couldn't help pinching those plump rosy cheeks!* Mamat disclosed that his dad is now married to a 19-year-old girl, and now he has a sister younger than Rysha!

NKN on the other hand is being hounded by her parents to get married. Her beau Zane isn't exactly the idea of a son-in-law in Uncle Lid's head. With his artsy-fartsy ponytail and Fat Albert t-shirt, he is not the typical boy-next-door nor those polished gentlemen her parents were hoping for. NKN wants to approach her parents (err..Zane too!) with some proposals, but is just scared s**tless to do so. *Then again, if you know Uncle Lid, you would be too!*

And me? I shared my fear of not living my life to the fullest. I shared my joy of finally getting the home I dream of. I told them my anxiety with Wan's condition. After for quite sometime feeling I had no friends left to share things with, I met them.

So there we were, talking about the same things we used to talk about when we were younger, only to a different degree. Relationships. Families. Our happiness. Our fear. Our hopes. Just like the good ol' times. Funny how we rarely see each other, but once we do, things are so familiar. Thanks guys, for making my Friday bearable.

Need to leave, Buster's here. A good weekend wish to all.

Without Them, I Won't Be Here..

I am luckier than some people as I had the chance of knowing all my grandparents and a great grandmother. Both Wans and Kis and Arwah Nyang. I remember them being frequent visitors to our house when I was growing up, and how I just loved to follow them back to either Besut or Kemaman. And luckily, we have tonnes of snapshots of our times together.

My first encounter with death was to lose Ki Ali at a young age. I believe I was 5 at the time. I remembered being at the Jerteh Hospital, trying to catch a glimpse of him through the window as kids were not allowed in. After jumping up and down for a bout Â½ hour, I gave up and sat down in front of the door. That was when Mama came out and told us Ki has passed. I remember his funeral as clear as day. And it was - a clear day, except the black clouds of sadness hovering above the family and friends.

Nyang followed two years after. I still have a picture of us - her carrying me as a baby. Most people agreed that I took my features from her. *From the toothless grin to my button nose*

Since Ki and Nyang's passing were during my tender years, I can't really recall how I felt exactly at those times. But when Wan Che Yoh suffered a stroke during my A Levels, I became like a zombie. I was in KL at the time, but I couldn't leave due to my Stats paper the next day. I went through the week as if nothing has happened and right after my last paper ended, I cried my eyes out. I felt horrible for not being able to see her one last time, even if it was just before they buried her. I promised that the next time I were to lose either Ki Midong or Wan Nab, I would be around no matter what.

Funny though how the promise turned out. Although I made it a point to visit Ki as often as I could (and even forcing Aboh and Mama to bring him to KT to leave with us), I had to leave for my studies a couple of months after. My last meeting with Ki was a few days before I left, when dearest Ki slipped a tener into my hands. Duit beli cukelat, he said before both of us broke into tears. That RM10 means more than anything else in the world at the time. I told myself next time I would be me who would put money in his hands, and I told him exactly that. He gave me a very sad smile. Somehow at that moment he knew it would probably be the last time he'll get to see me.

Ki fell ill right after that, one of the reasons being that he missed Wan too much. Hearing his condition, I booked my ticket to come back for Christmas to spend Raya with him. But Allah loved him more, he joined Wan even before Ramadhan. Again, I couldn't see the face of a person who loved me without boundaries for the last time. I regretted I couldn't have done more for him during that short moment I had before I left. I was angry with myself for not keeping the promise I made to myself.

That is why I get panic everytime Wan Nab gets sick. She's the only one left..my only grandparent. I would take the next flight home or drive those long hours just to make sure she's ok. I don't want to be away again should anything happen. And last Monday, she was admitted to the hospital for a thorough check-up due to prolonged headaches. She had to go through an MRI scan and a couple of other tests. The doctor found out that she has suffered a mild stroke before (which none of us realised!). This resulted in a blockage in one of her blood veins, which caused the headaches. When I first heard the doctor, I sat in silence. But he assured me with medication, they can thin her blood as to not block her veins. I am still scared, but this time around I told myself instead of regretting anything I would spend as much time with her. I spent the past 2 nights camping in her ward. We talked about everything under the sun until she fell asleep. I would only leave her to go to work, after making sure someone else takes over the day shift.

I am happy to report that she has been discharged this afternoon. She would be here in KL for a while, at least until she is stronger to travel. And until the day she leaves, I will be around her as often as I could.

Random Thoughts of a Lioness

About Me

Friday, October 29, 2004

How well do you know a person?

Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Who let the dogs out?

Thursday, October 21, 2004

Impromptu plans are always the best..

Wednesday, October 20, 2004

He's Gonna Be Apart Of It...New York.. New Yoorrk!

Monday, October 18, 2004

Saying goodbye is never an easy thing..

Thursday, October 14, 2004

Selamat Berpuasa..

Wednesday, October 13, 2004

Reflections

Tuesday, October 12, 2004

She's Leaving On A Jet Plane..

Saturday, October 09, 2004

I need food!

Friday, October 08, 2004

The weekend is here again, but why am I not jumping with joy?

Thursday, October 07, 2004

Without Them, I Won't Be Here..